Atlanta Falcons DC Mike Nolan Working On Secret Weapon

kroy-biermann-kroy-jaggerMike Nolan’s plan involves turning this teddy bear into a beast

Earlier this week we posted about the Atlanta Falcons discussing a new contract with defensive end Kroy Biermann. After hours of research, our crack investigative journalists have uncovered what could potential be a “game changer” in the NFL.

We have learned that the Atlanta Falcons are working with a new form of technology that could revolutionize defense as we know it in the NFL. It has come to our attention that during the Bobby Petrino administration, Arthur Blank financed a large under-ground bunker at the Flowery Branch facility. The purpose for this during the Petrino era was to provide Petrino with a sound proof area that he could go to in order to avoid the media, his players and society in general.

Mike Nolan has now come into ownership of this bunker and has turned it into a laboratory of sorts. Nolan is currently working on a micro-chip that (if what we hear is true) will be implanted into Kroy Biermann’s brain. The purpose of this micro-chip is to take Biermann to the next level.

Our investigator tells us that this chip will work similar to how Adam Sandler’s character in the movie The Waterboy became successful at football. The chip will be controlled by somebody in the coaches box and when it is activated…Kroy will then see the opposing quarter back making fun of Real Housewives of Atlanta star (and his wife) Kim Zolciak. The working theory is that this will send Kroy into a rage and that he will stop at nothing to get to the QB.

Kim_ZWill his love for Kim make Kroy a better player?

Will this work? Will Mike Nolan become an evil genius as he attempts to replace the production that will be missed if John Abraham does not re-sign with the Falcons? Don’t expect to hear about this on the “big” sites like ESPN or This is a revoluntionary tactic and we are not sure if it is entirely legal. We will just have to wait until the season to see if Kroy does in fact become a pass rushing monster. Then we will know that this is all true…


In case you didn’t realize it, this is a parody and is not to be taken as 100% fact as we are still working on parts of the story.

About Kevin Causey

dry humorist, craft beer enthusiast, occasionally unbiased SEC fan, UGA alumni, contributor for The Student Section, This Given Sunday and Crossover Chronicles